A: You are correct in wanting to have a fulfilling sexual relationship with your boyfriend. It is a little difficult for me to give you specific advice as there are potentially several different reasons why this problem is occurring, with differing methods of dealing with it. To be specific, I need more information from you.

However, I will give you some information which might be helpful to you both. A sexual difficulty in a relationship is a COUPLE issue - as you are well aware it affects both of you - and the relationship! You need to be brave and discuss your concerns with your boyfriend. Be careful not to blame or criticize him. Tell him how not having sex makes you feel - sad, rejected or unattractive perhaps? Maybe that you feel that he doesn’t love you anymore? In a caring concerned way try to find out if he is worried about anything - his job, financial matters or his health. Many men become stressed by work or life issues and worry a great deal which in turn results in a loss of libido (decreased interest in sex). I note that you both have jobs that have irregular working hours. Is this a factor?

You have not mentioned if you and your partner have experienced any sexual difficulties in the past, i.e. he has not been able to get an erection or he has had premature ejaculation. It is quite common and normal for guys to sometimes have these difficulties. The problem arises when the man gets upset when he can’t perform as he expects. His anxiety increases, which in turn makes it more likely that he will have a recurrence of the problem. He needs to be able to relax and understand that many men have these issues. That may be because he has had an inability to sustain an erection a couple of times (due to drinking too much perhaps or he has been too preoccupied about work) or he has 'come' too soon. It doesn’t mean that he is sexually inadequate. He needs to learn to deal with his stress levels, problem solve his worries, talk to his partner about what is going on for him and ask for the help that he needs to resolve his issues.

There are also a number of very good books that you can both read that can help you resolve this issue.
As a start I suggest -
Rekindling Desire by Barry & Emily McCarthy Brunner, Routledge ISBN 0-415-93551-2;
Sex - How to Make It Better For Both of You by Dr Martin Cole & Professor Windy Dryden, Vermillion ISBN O--09-181300-X.
They are both obtainable on www.amazon.com

Good Luck!